YOU CAN SIT WITH ME talks school refusal on TEABBA radio

Today YOU CAN SIT WITH ME Founder, Sophie Sparks kicked off a series of radio programs on Radio TEABBA in Darwin with the topic of school refusal also called school avoidance. She was joined in a heartfelt conversation by Paula Sellars, Principal of Holy Spirit School in Darwin, shed light on a challenge many families face and provided some important tips for parents and carers.

What is school refusal?

Sophie Sparks began by saying,
“Today’s yarn is about something that many parents and carers are facing, and that’s school avoidance…when a child finds it really hard to get to school.” She stressed,
“It’s not about being naughty or lazy. It’s usually a sign that something deeper is going on inside.” Sophie described signs such as children feeling sick, having meltdowns at the school gate, hiding, refusing to get dressed, or quietly saying, “I just don’t want to go to school today. I can’t go to school today.”

Sophie emphasised the reality for many children, especially those experiencing grief, bullying, racism, disability, or tough home situations, by saying “school can start to feel really unsafe or very overwhelming.”
“School avoidance is often the body’s way of saying, ‘I’m not ready or I don’t feel safe.’ And that’s something that we mustn’t punish. That’s something we need to understand,” Sophie said.

Insights from a principal on the ground

Paula Sellars joined Sophie to share her experience. She said,
“Sometimes it’s a child who used to love school and now they’re crying every morning. Other times it’s been a bit of a slow build. Often there’s anxiety.” Paula noted that children might feel shame if they’re not keeping up academically or face social challenges like bullying or feeling they don’t fit in. Highlighting the experience of First Nation students, she said,
“It’s about feeling culturally safe. They don’t see themselves in the school, in the curriculum, the teaching or the environment. That’s a big deal.”

When Sophie reflected on this, she said,
“That deep disconnection can make school feel like a place where they’re not seen or understood.” Alongside relationships, Paula pinpointed key supports:
“If a child trusts just one adult at school, that can be the lifeline. Also, routines, gentle expectations and understanding.” She explained how they might start by having the child sit outside the classroom with someone trusted and build from there, always working closely with families who, she noted,” know their child best.”

Supporting families without shame

Sophie asked what Paula would say to parents who may feel judged or blame themselves when their child struggles. Paula warmly advised,
“Please don’t carry shame and don’t blame you have not failed your child. Your child is actually communicating something big and you’re doing the right thing by listening and asking for support.” She acknowledged the difficulty,
“There’s no quick fix, but there is a way forward and you do that together.”

Practical tips for families

Sophie and Paula also shared some practical advice. Paula urged families to:
“Start small. Success might be just walking through the school gate even if they don’t stay, but you celebrate that one.” She encouraged calmness, reminding that,
“Children mirror parents’ behaviour… Keep calm and maybe try saying something like, ‘I see this is hard for you and I’m here to help’ instead of punishing.” Sophie added an important note,
“The nervous system needs safety before it can learn. So that’s really important to be calm.”

Paula recommended early communication, “Book a meeting, bring a support person and yarn about what’s working at home for you.” She also emphasised maintaining routines,
“Even if school isn’t going to happen that day, still get up, get dressed, have some breakfast, a bit of fresh air. It really helps reset the body and mind.” And she spoke about the power of culture: “When kids have strong cultural identity and pride, they can carry that strength into school. Involve the elders, explore culture, rich learning, make space for their whole self to be seen.”

A message of hope

Sophie shared a question from a grandmother whose grandson said,
“I’m dumb,” refusing to go to school. Paula responded compassionately,
“Thank you for being there for him. He’s very lucky to have you. Tell him, ‘You are valued. You are just finding things really tricky at the moment and that’s okay. We’ll all find a way through this one together.'”

Closing the conversation, Sophie reassured families,”Your child is not broken and you are not failing. You’re walking through something tough, but you don’t have to do it alone.” 

Paula echoed her gratitude and hope,”We’ve certainly seen a difference at our school. So, it’s a great programme.”

This conversation reminds us that school refusal is complex but not a failure — it is a call for understanding, support, and community. Together, with care and connection, children can find their way back to safe and welcoming learning.

For more information read our article School refusal in Australia; what it is and why it’s rising.

YOU CAN SIT WITH ME is an inclusive, evidence-based, peer-led program reducing school refusal, social isolation, bullying, exclusion and non inclusive behaviour.

YOU CAN SIT WITH ME provides free programs for schools, sporting clubs and community groups.  

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Top End Aboriginal Bush Broadcasting Association (TEABBA), is a Remote Indigenous Media Organisation(RIMO), broadcasts into 29 remote Indigenous communities across the Top End.